Unfucking Lauren

A few weeks before I met Kristin...I met Lauren.

Everyone knows who Lauren is.

We've all met Lauren at least once or twice in our lives.

Lauren is the one who, for one reason or another, if you woke up next to her one morning would cause you to scream at the top of your lungs, "OH DEAR GAWD WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE?!?"

Lauren lived in the dorms, and somehow Jake and I ended up at a party in her suite. There were a lot of football players there, and of course a lot more drinking than the usual dorm parties I tended to go to, and it got really rowdy and a fight broke out and a neighbour called the police and the police came and...well, Jake and I saw what was coming and got out of there long before it got real ugly so I'm not really sure what happened after that.

That's what I remember, anyway.

But that's where my memory gets hazy because I don't remember Lauren leaving with us.

But then the plot thickened--the plot always seemed to thicken when Jake and I went drinking--and it appears we went to Jake's. And made a beer run along the way. And then we made another beer run late that night and when we returned we found we'd locked ourselves out of Jake's house and so we broke in and a neighbour called the police and the police came and...well, Jake and I should have stayed at the party.

But I do remember--and undoubtedly will for the rest of my life--waking up the next morning in Jake's bed with Lauren laying naked beside me. And that's when I screamed, "OH DEAR GAWD WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE?!?"

OK, I didn't really scream, it was more of a soft, whispered thought in my head, it's just that it FELT like I screamed it due to the cheap-beer hangover. We were college students on very tight budgets, so Jake and I were always drinking cheap shit beer.

I looked under the covers and sure enough, we were both stark naked and there were obvious visual and olfactory signs of coitus.

Lauren stirred. I thought about slipping away while there was still time, I could have walked back to the dorms in about a half an hour. Or walked a few blocks and called a cab. But it was too late.

"Good morning!" The beast was awake. "Want to go again?" And...the beast was hungry. Fuck.

No way. I am NOT going to fuck her again. I am NOT. No way. Fuck. No.

And then I thought, "Why not?"

OK so let's stop right there because I can actually answer that. I can actually tell you why not: because if you do you may spend the rest of your life asking yourself on a fairly regular basis whether your penis is a force for evil and must be destroyed.

Let me repeat that just to be clear: when you wake up and she--that she...Lauren...the one you will regret having fucked for the rest of your life--is laying there beside you, do not let yourself ask, "Why not?"

Unless, of course, you are prepared to cut your penis off. Then by all means, go ahead.

But at the time I had not quite realised the depths to which my penis could and would periodically stoop in an effort to ruin my life...and as a result, I couldn't really come up with a reason why not. And I had a horrible headache.

So of course I said, "Sure." And then I did.

Physically, she wasn't a bad fuck. She was a little thick in the waist and ass for my taste, and she needed to bring her hairstyle into the current century, but she had great tits, and as soon as we were done she blew me until I got hard again and then let me have sloppy seconds thirds fuck her from behind.

And she made a pot of coffee for the three of us afterward.

But...no. Just no. Because after Jake dropped us off, she proceeded to spend the next several weeks bragging to everyone in the dorms that we'd slept together. "And did it three times! Three times!"

No. Wait. Scratch what I said before. Here's why not: because you can't unfuck a Lauren.

Sex and Popcorn

I lived in a dorm for the first couple years in college. It wasn't particularly large, so everyone knew everyone, including who was fucking whom. The relationships and sexual encounters were insane, actually. My friend Sally, for example, was fucking my best friend Jake--who lived in his own house off campus--and Sally's roommate, Liz, was fucking my girlfriend Kristin's best friend Teri, whose sister Val I fucked three times one night when the seven of us drank and smoked too much and my girlfriend fell asleep passed out. In retrospect we probably needed a "Fuck Board" in the common area so that we could better keep track of who was taken, and whom we could fuck without drama and consequence, although when my girlfriend woke up came to as I was banging Val for the third time I don't think she would have believed that I was confused about whom I could and could not fuck.

A few Fridays later Jake dropped by to see if I wanted to go hang out at his place and drink beer. I grabbed my jacket and we headed out. "I've got to stop and see Sally on the way, but it'll only take a few minutes," he said.

"Sure," I laughed. Yeah. Right. "Take your time, I'll go say hi to Liz."

The dorms consisted of two rooms separated by a tiny bathroom. We went into Sally's room, then I went through the bathroom into Liz's room, closing the door behind me. Liz was sitting on her bed leaning back against the headboard, eating popcorn and watching TV in a flannel robe. "Jake stopped by to fuck Sally before we head out for the weekend, so I thought I'd come say hello and watch TV with you until we no longer hear Sally squealing." She laughed. We had both heard Sally getting fucked before.

I sat down on the bottom of Liz's bed, grabbed a handful of popcorn, and we talked while we watched TV. Teri, Liz's lesbian girlfriend/lover, had already left for the weekend to visit her family. They had been together for only a few months, and it had been very on-again, off-again from the start. Everyone knew Liz was the problem: unlike Teri, she was not a lesbian, she was bisexual, and to be honest a bit of a slut, and while Teri did not object to Liz playing with a couple of the guys in the dorm, she was not entirely comfortable with it. So they fought. A lot. But then--at least so far--they always seemed to make up.

There was another asymmetry: Liz was a lot more attractive than Teri, and that added to the dynamic. Teri spent most of her time bottling up her feelings about Liz's sexual activity, hesitant to say anything because she was sure Liz would dump her for someone--male or female--more attractive. Then when the level of hurt got to be too much, Teri would explode, thus setting in motion the break-up she feared most. Sure, they always seemed to make up, but I don't think it's a good strategy if your goal is long-term stability and happiness. Teri should have understood that Liz's sexual encounters with guys was completely casual and satisfied a very different part of Liz than her relationship with Teri did.

It didn't take long for Sally to start squealing. We looked at each other, knowingly, and snickered. "Sounds like someone's having fun," I said.

"And making sure everyone else knows," Liz laughed, and returned her attention to the TV.

I had never fucked Liz before, though I was sure I could any time I wanted. Sure, our girlfriends were best friends, and had been since childhood, but neither one of us would have considered that a moral minefield, especially given that Teri, Val and Kristin were still speaking to each other and I had not woken up to find my severed penis laying on the pillow next to me. Yet, anyway.

The fact is, I had never really wanted to fuck Liz, because it would have been simply too easy and too casual. It would have been too meaningless. Fucking Liz would have been as meaningless as sitting on Liz's bed eating popcorn and watching TV while waiting for Jake to finish making Sally squeal. "And," I thought, "just as meaningful."

I repeated that in my head: "Fucking Liz would be no more and no less as meaningless as sitting on her bed eating popcorn and watching TV." I was right. Fucking her would have been no different from watching TV with her.

I grabbed some more popcorn, and looked her over from head to toe as I ate. Liz was relatively attractive, with short, light-brown hair, blue eyes, and a nice smile. She was a slightly thick in the middle, and her ass was a bit big for my taste, but she had nice hips and besides, as all of the boys--and most of the girls--in the dorms agreed, her DD tits more than made up for it. I looked her over again and decided to fuck her.

Besides, there's nothing on TV on Friday nights.

I wiped my hands on my jeans, turned, and just started untying her robe. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I want to fuck," I said as I pushed her robe open, revealing her huge tits and light brown bush peeking out the sides of a red pair of panties. "Do you have any condoms?"

"You don't need them," she replied leaning forward, letting the robe drop off her shoulders and arms.

"Good," I thought, pulling her panties off and then dropping my jeans and shorts. She spread her legs, and I grabbed her behind the knees and pulled her away from the headboard to the center of the bed. She laid back flat, pulled her feet up to just below her ass and dropped her knees out to the side. Spread out before me was a rather large, swollen vulva, beautiful red labia and soft, pink flesh bursting out of a sparse patch of long, light brown hair.

I desperately wanted to go down on her. Her pussy looked delicious.

But I knew Sally's squealing wouldn't last forever--they'd been at it for about ten minutes--and I was afraid they'd finish while I was still eating Liz's pussy. So I decided to just fuck her instead. Besides, I could come back for more anytime I wanted. I pushed inside her, expecting her to be incredibly loose given the size of her vulva, but that wasn't the case.  She was wet enough initially that I was able to penetrate her almost completely with one thrust, and she got wetter as we fucked, but she was actually fairly tight. I knew I couldn't take too long, but I also knew Liz was wet and tight enough that I could hold off until we no longer heard Sally--maybe another ten minutes--and then cum. So I took my time, and we both got into it a bit.

Right on cue, Sally finished squealing about ten minutes later, and I increased the depth and ferocity of my thrusts until I exploded inside of Liz a couple of minutes later. Worried Jake would barge in at any moment, we quickly got dressed, went got back to our popcorn and TV, and waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

About twenty minutes after they--and we--finished, Sally started squealing again. I rolled my eyes before suddenly realising this was my chance. I reached over and untied Liz's robe. "Again?" she said.

"Yeah," I said, "but this time I want to go down on you."

"No way," she said, "you just came in me. I feel gross."

"I don't care!" I exclaimed, sounding almost desperate. "It wouldn't be the first time! You've got a beautiful pussy and I'm dying to sink my tongue in it."

"No way." She wasn't budging. "Look, I like fucking boys, but that's something I only do with Teri. At least for now. It's special."

"Ah. OK, I get it. That's sweet." I wondered if Teri got it, or if Teri even knew. I went to Plan B. "Then will you let me watch you touch yourself for a few minutes while I stroke myself? I'm not fully recovered yet, and I'd love to watch you finger that beautiful pussy."

She smiled. "I'll do better than that." She pulled open the drawer in her nightstand and pulled out a dildo. "You'll like this. Come here."

I took her spot, reclining against the headboard while she unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them off my hips. Then she turned around, straddling my legs facing my feet, and leaned forward onto her hands. Then she handed me the dildo. "Have at it!" I slid it into her cunt, and started fucking her with it right in front of my face. It took less than a minute of stroking for my cock to get rock hard.

When I'd had enough, she crawled down toward my feet, I got up and slid easily into her cunt from behind. She stroked her clit while I fucked her, slow but deep. I love the idea of sloppy seconds--especially if I wasn't the one who came before, so to speak--but the viscosity is typically different, and it often doesn't feel as nice. And doggy style doesn't make up for that.

She came quickly, but I continued fucking her until we heard Sally stop, and then again finished up quickly with deep, forceful thrusts. When I was done, I pulled out and wiped my cock on the inside of her thighs. Her pussy was a mess.

We got dressed, and Jake and Sally came in about five minutes later. Liz's room smelled like sex and popcorn--but mostly sex--and it was obvious what we'd been doing. Besides, Liz would tell Sally everything after we'd left, and I'd tell Jake.

Jake and I went and drank beer and hung out, and I did tell him everything: TV and popcorn, and how fucking Liz would be the same thing; wanting to eat her pussy but settling fot the dildo; and about sloppy seconds and fucking her doggy style.

The next morning I woke up itching like hell. Liz had given me a yeast infection. It was my first one. I spent the next two days airing it out to keep it dry, wearing nothing but a long T-shirt.

Good thing all I'd eaten the night before was popcorn.